"Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” Matthew 28:19-20
"But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth.” Acts 1:8
If you have been waiting for someone to ask you to serve God, this is your invitation. Jesus has already invited you.
I love the church, but remember that the church is not a building. It is not just the group of people that you worship with every week. You are the church because you are in the body of Christ. You have authority to serve and power to witness, not because of the local church that you belong to, but because the power of the living God dwells in you and has called you to go and witness for Him.
Christians spend too much time organizing and making plans. I can't tell you how many times over the years I have made phone calls and Excel spreadsheets organizing workers. I have come up with clever titles for events, bought treats for helpers, made flyers and schedules, decorated tables, the list goes on and on. I think that Christians have become spoiled and we are all waiting for our local church to organize something that we can go do for a few hours to serve God. We want our children to see us serving God and learn how to do that. We want to make the people happy that call us on the phone and ask for our help. We want to make sure that if no one stepped up to do it, we at least will try so that we can help with whatever they are organizing. After all, if no one helps, the event won't take place.
I think that church programs have messed up our thinking on this. Hear me, if your church is needing you to serve, you have a responsibility as a member of your local body of believers to help. But, do not wait for them to ask you to get out of your stinking self and do something for God. I have spent so many years as a Christian, being so utterly concerned with myself and my own spiritual growth or participation in programs, that it kind of makes me sick. Being a Christian is not about how well you do at spending 15 minutes every morning reading your devotional over coffee (though that is good for growing closer to God personally and learning His word). It is not about denying yourself the extra cookies or whatever you crave (though it is good to practice self discipline and not be a slave to your flesh). It is not about signing up on every sheet that goes around (though it is good to help when there is a need). All of those things are important. They keep you focused and give you ways to act out your faith.
But, listen to me! We do not need to wait until we know enough or are good enough. We do not need to wait until our own local church has asked us to join them for something. We need to listen to what God is calling us to do and just do it!!! Being a Christian is loving and serving God and loving and serving others.
I am going to share a story with you. I am not doing this to give myself any glory or praise. I am doing this to give you an example of hearing an invitation from God and just acting on it.
Once, when I took my girls for mani/pedis, I stopped for a minute and took it all in. There we were, just spending money for a treat. It wasn't necessary and it was frivolous, but it was fun. It was fun because for a little bit, we just sat there and had someone do something that made us feel a little prettier. We were pampered.
Then later that week, I met with my small accountability group, and I stopped for a minute and took it all in. There we were, women, sitting on a couch in the middle of a morning, sharing, laughing and praying with each other. We are all busy, but we try to get together, just to share needs and have honest vulnerability and transparency. It is not necessary, we don't have to do it....but it is good to be with other women. We were fellowshipping.
God grabbed my heart and place an idea in there. What if I went to hurting women and painted their nails and just sat with them a while? What if, instead of meeting a real need or just donating money, I just did something frivolous for them and loved them in Christ for a little bit every week. God put this idea in my heart four month ago....and then I just let it sit there.
I'm busy. I have stuff going on. So do you....it doesn't matter. If God has placed something on your heart, just go do it!
I sat with our home group last week and we were discussing Pharisees....you know, the people who were supposed to love God the most, but had completely lost sight of what that meant? God had been speaking to my heart all that week that until I went and painted the nails, everything was on hold. I know that sounds strange and it may not even be true. But, I felt like God has something big for me to do, but He would not do it until I went and sat and painted nails. So that night, I told our group what I wanted to do. I told them, because I knew that when we met the next week, they would hold me accountable. If they asked if I had done it, and I said no, they had permission to throw stuff at me:)
So a week passed and it was the day of the next home group. I was running out of hours. I said I would do it, so I had to. I got in my car, and drove to Food and Shelter for Friends in downtown Norman. I had asked them months ago about doing this, so they knew that someday I would come.
I pulled up around 10 and a crowd was already out there waiting for lunch. There were probably 50 people all around in in middle of the day. They were one block south of the theatre where we spend a lot of time. They were there because they were hungry. Many were homeless.
I will tell you more about this later, but for now, you just need to know that I drove there and I went in and I painted fingernails for an hour and a half. It didn't really cost me anything, it didn't take much time. But this weekend, I thought about women like Natalie and Julie, that had sparkly, pretty nails because I listened to God and just did it. I am looking forward to going back there every week and some of my friends and my daughters will be going there, too.
If there is something that God has placed on your heart to do, please just do it. If you can do it with your local church, great! But if you can't, just do it. Get with the people that are doing things and do it! Or just go by yourself. You have the power from the Holy Spirit and you have the command from Christ.....just go. And when you are there, make sure they know you love Jesus and that is why you came. This is your invitation.
Last weekend, Tim and I worked the Sweet Shop at the theater. When we volunteer in there, I always spend the whole time at the popcorn machine and Tim is the cashier and is face to face with the customers.
We are a well oiled machine....not just in the concession stand, but in life in general. We are a good team. We serve, teach and work together. We often send the same text at the same time and it's not uncommon for us to finish each other's sentences. We are so used to teaching as a couple, that when I teach without him by my side, I feel like something is missing. He really is my best friend. The cheesy Jerry Maguire line, "You Complete Me", works for us. That's how we feel.
One of my favorite Mary Engelbreit pictures, we have it in a frame.
We got to this point, because we focused on the other person as much, if not more, than we focused on ourselves. We checked in with each other before scheduling things, buying things, going places....we touched base throughout the day. I saved a few minutes to look in the mirror and freshen up before he came home, and when he did, I tried to meet him at the door. We laughed at dinner and couldn't wait to go to the movies or do something fun together. I cared if he might be thirsty working in the yard or hungry for a snack. We always went back to bed together. We always put toothpaste on the other's toothbrush. We always kissed before we said goodnight.
Lately, I've let selfishness creep into my heart. I do what I want, then I tell him. I go where I want, then I tell him. I grab a snack and don't see if he wants one, too. I have caught myself getting into the habit of going to the bedroom, watching DVR'd stuff and just falling asleep for the night....while he is still in the other part of the house.
I am catching myself starting to get selfish and this blog is meant to wake me. Let this be a wake up call to you, too.
Some of you reading this are not married, some have been, but are not anymore. But, for those of you that are married....get over yourself and remember that marriage is
1 + 1= 1 not 1 + 1= 2
Don't get selfish. Marriage is a team sport. It works when you work together. The two become one. Once you start trying to go solo, if you are not careful, you will look up and be far, far away.
I do not want that to happen to us, or to you!
One of our all time favorite studies on marriage is Tommy Nelson's video series on Song of Solomon and it's companion book, The Book of Romance. We went through this study when we dated and have facilitated it with many groups through the years. Tommy Nelson married us in Norman in 1993 and we actually had the great privilege of having a few pre-marital counseling meetings with him.
I always remembered something that he said in one of the lessons, but when I was a younger wife, I did not get it. From his book:
I asked my wife, Teresa, one time what happens when women get older. I said, "Men get rigid and robotic. We start operating by rote. What is it that women become?"
She replied, "We get fussy. We have no tolerance for things not being done our way."
We reflected upon these statements for a while and came to two conclusions: (1) these traits do not necessarily need to develop and (2) these traits develop because people become self-centered and self-focused. They increasingly want what they want, to the exclusion of others.
Webster's dictionary defines fussy as fastidious about one's needs or requirements; hard to please
In May, we celebrate our 20th anniversary. I have become fussy. I am sweet about it, but I am fussy. Some of the little things that I used to do, I don't do anymore.
While we were working in the Sweet Shop, we actually had a little argument about what a customer said. I thought he said "do you have any diet cokes" and Tim heard "do you have any diet candy". Keep in mind, I was facing the loud popcorn machine and Tim was looking at the man's face. I seriously bantered back and forth, trying to prove that he wanted diet coke. Are you kidding me? What does it matter, anyway?
Sometimes, instead of supporting him and helping him, I try to show that I know more.
Sometimes, when he comes home for the day, he has to come find me.
The other day, I realized that it was almost dinner time, and I hadn't touched base with him all day....
Last night, I rolled over and went to sleep and didn't even say goodnight.
In order for marriage to work, you have to get outside of yourself and care as much or even more about your spouse than you do yourself. It doesn't matter if you get your way or win every argument. I am not the boss of him. I am his helpmeet and supporter. I am created and given to him to encourage him and provide a safe haven. In Song of Solomon language, we both should be like apple trees, providing shade and comfort. Of all the people on earth, he should want to be with me the most, and vice versa. Of the places in the world, home should be the best of all.
Do you find yourself in a marriage of two? If you are a man, have gotten rigid and robotic? If you are a women, are you selfish and fussy?
Robert and Elizabeth Browing, the Victorian Era poets, had a famous love. It was Elizabeth that wrote:
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, --- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
And Robert, to his wife, in his poem "Rabbi ben Ezra":
Grow old along with me
The best is yet to be,
The last of life, for which the first was made:
Our times are in His hand
Who saith "A whole I planned,
Youth shows but half; trust God: see all, nor be afraid!''
Marriage isn't the early years, when you are still in the honeymoon stage and everything about everything is perfect. Marriage is about the entirety of a life together. Life gets messy and sometimes hurts. Marriage is two people with individual goals, passions and preferences that have learned how to work as one.
Tim and I are a well oiled machine, because from the beginning, we looked to God for our standard and our instructions. We love God more than we love each other. And, though it sounds strange, we love each other more than we love our children-at least it's a different kind of love. Our relationship with our children is not the same. We have been given them as a gift, and they are our great blessings. But, we are not in a covenantal relationship with them like we are with each other. One day, they will be gone and they will enter into the covenant of marriage. As much as I love my daughters, if I do not love my husband more, I am not modeling the right relationship for them. If the most important relationship in all of my life is not my husband, then I will not have the marriage that I want- or marriage as God designed it to be. Once we start taking our eyes off of that, we will begin to slip.
You don't get to "the last of life, for which the first was made" by being rigid and fussy. You get there by being kind, soft, and attentive. You get there by putting the needs of your spouse above your own.
You get there by:
Not only looking at your interests, but the interests of others (Phil 2:4).
Loving and respecting each other (Eph. 5).
Honoring the structure of the family (Eph. 5)
Having a having the beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit (1 Peter 3)
Not allowing Satan to enter and tempt because you deny and neglect each other sexually (1 Cor. 7)
Serving each other as if serving the Lord (Eph. 6, Col. 3)
Denying yourself and walking in the Spirit (Gal. 5)
Look at yourself....are you fussy? Get over yourself and love your mate. Love God with all your heart and all your soul and all your might. I'm pretty sure if loving God was my focus, my fussy would fade away.....
a : freedom from fault or defect : flawless b : maturity c : the quality or state of being saintly
or
a : an exemplification of supreme excellence b : an unsurpassable degree of accuracy or excellence
There are two types of perfect:
Perfect in Christ & Perfect before People.
Only the first one is possible.
Perfect in Christ
God is perfect, Jesus is God, and so Jesus is perfect. When we accept Christ, we are given His righteousness and His righteousness is perfect. So through Christ we are made perfect.
"Because by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy” Hebrews 10:14
This week we celebrate the last week of Jesus's life. The week our King drove into town on a common farm animal. The week our King was hunted and despised by those He came to save. The week our King was betrayed by his friend for coins. The week our King was crowned with a thorny vine. The week our King had his flesh and his heart ripped by the sins of the world.
The week our King died for us.
This is why we are perfect. We are perfect because Christ died for us. The sins that separated us from a holy God were nailed to the cross with Christ. The blood that was shed by Him that day became the blood that washes us clean and removes all sin and guilt. Those that are in Christ are new creations, we now have the righteousness of Christ. When God sees us (and by us, I mean our good stuff and our sins and failures....all of us), He sees Christ's righteousness!
For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. 2 Corinthians 5:21
By no work or merit of our own, we are righteous before a Holy God.
Hear it again:
By no work or merit of our own, we are righteous before a Holy God.
This world has a skewed view of reality. It is hard to know what's real, because so much is fabricated these days. "Reality shows" are carefully produced ratings machines. Who knows what is real anymore?
I know for certain that God is more real than any real we know. So our perfection in Christ is more real than any real we know. It is free from lies and is not tainted in any way. Because of the perfect sacrifice of Christ that day, we can approach the Throne of Grace as perfect, without blemish or spot! Perfect before a Holy God. Perfect in Christ.....that is real.
There is one real form of perfect: Perfect in Christ
There is one false form of perfect: Perfect before People
Perfect Before People
Miss "Got it all together"
In our quest to be perfect, we put on all kinds of shows. Rather than claiming perfection in Christ and seeking the approval of God, we keep trying to act perfect and seek the approval of Man. This leads to false security, hypocrisy and defeat.
"For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ." Galatians 1:10
False Security
It is a lie that if we act good enough, we are good enough. We can look good on the outside and be rotting away on the inside. We can be bold before people and hide from God at the same time. I think about King David (see 2 Samuel 11-12). For nearly a year, he lived separated from fellowship with his God because he continued down a path of deception and sin after his one act of adultery with Bathsheba. He was a conniving, manipulating mess. All the while, he still sat on the throne as the beloved King on Israel. I'm sure a few in his circle knew the full story, but for the most part, he clipped along and received the praises of the people. His psalms about this event (32 & 51) show that all along, he was broken inside, but he keep going down the wicked path that he had paved.
God, in His love and great mercy, initiated restoration and healing with David, by sending the prophet Nathan to call him out. He basically told him, "you are living a lie and you are not getting away with it". David's attempt to be perfect before the people was giving him false security. God, who sees the hearts of men, saw the heart of David. God is faithful and God is love. Even in our pitiful attempts to cover what's inside, He reaches to us and leads us to His perfection. And for us, like David, our perfection is in Christ alone, because the reality of our lives is that they are marred with sin and wrapped in selfishness. Seeking perfection before people gives us false security, but resting in the perfection we have in Christ gives us a sure hope and foundation....like an anchor in a stormy sea.
Hypocrisy
In scripture, the cast of the 'Hypocrisy Show' was led by the Pharisees. These men were leaders in the temple, all Israel looked to them for knowledge and examples of integrity. They trusted them and counted them as the most righteous of all. The problem is they had distorted hearts and cared most about how they looked in front of the people. In their fancy robes, they would float around like saints giving the pitiful public a chance to catch their glory. Jesus called them white washed walls and white washed tombs. Like having a grungy, dirty wall, brushing it with bright white paint and considering it new. Or having a grave with a rotted dead corpse inside, but with a sparkling white marble headstone. When we choose to look perfect above all else, never considering the condition of our heart before God, we choose to paint our walls white and buff our tombstones.
Jesus also told them that they were washing the outside, like washing the outside of a dirty cup, but tending not to the inside. Just imagine if all we ever washed was the outside of our glasses. Over time, those things would get nasty! I would much rather drink from a glass that was clean on the inside and dirty on the outside. We do this with our lives, too! We put on smiles and freshen up the outside. Let me just tell you how freeing it is to repent before God and then before a few people that can hold you accountable. Real restoration is from the inside out.
The ancient Greeks put on great shows. Crowds would come from miles away to watch the actors on the stage. The actor was whoever the script needed him to be. And for the next show, he was whatever it needed him to be. He would wear masks, "Personas", to portray the character the crowd expected to see. Then he would do ,"Hypokrisis", play-acting.
Today, we still do "Hypokrisis" wearing our "Personas", except we are not ancient Grecian actors on the stage. We are Christians that want the world to see perfect people. Besides the obvious problem of not being authentic and real with people, there is another dangerous aspect of hypocrisy. Hypocrisy leads to frustration and defeat. At some point, the play ends and we are revealed for who we really are. Just imagine how cool it would be if we all just took our masks off now. Be real, because when you are real, you reveal your weakness. When you reveal your weakness, you can shout God's strength.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
Stop being who you think others want you to be and start showing them that even though you are not where you want to be, you are working on it. You are trusting God and letting His power be perfected in your weakness. You are not good enough, but your God is. And remember that before Him, you are made perfect in Christ. Our faith in perfected in our struggles. James 1:2-4
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
I am not implying that we be okay with our outside being dirty either! The amazing thing about taking off masks, and cleaning from the inside, is that the outside will reflect that. The external radiations from a broken saint are beautiful, because they are reflections of God's grace and mercy. When you are weak and humble, God is strong. God will get the glory, not you.
It's God's glory, not mine.
"But far be it from me to boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world.For neither circumcision counts for anything, nor uncircumcision, but a new creation. And as for all who walk by this rule, peace and mercy be upon them, and upon the Israel of God." Galatians 6:14-16
Defeat
We were not created to be sufficient on our own. We were designed to worship and bring glory to God. Any attempts to bring glory to ourselves or try to win God's favor in our own strength, will be futile and frustrating. Freedom is found in surrender. Meekness before God is real strength.
A problem with Christians trying to look perfect before men, is that they just might be able to pull it off....at least for a while. Then this leads to the defeat of those watching you. They might say, "She's got it all together, and my life's a mess" or "Everything about him is so perfect, there is no way that I can ever be like that". Then what happens is they begin to transfer this to their Christian faith. "She's a Christian and she's perfect, so I must not be faithful enough or obedient enough" or "Maybe God really doesn't like me, because he is not blessing me like he is blessing him".
These are all lies from the pit of hell! None of us are good enough. All we can boast in is Christ. Be real with people and let them know that you struggle. Your greatest hurt can become your greatest ministry. If God permitted the pain, don't waste it. Take the lessons that you have learned and help others. Let God use opportunities like that to "make all things work together for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purposes" (Romans 8:28)
You are perfect in Christ. Your Christian race of faith should be marching you toward Christlikeness in your heart. As you grow in your faith, you are being set apart and seeking to obey the words that you hear. The beauty of Christianity, is that as you become more like Christ on the inside, the outside starts to look more like Christ, too. So ideally, your outside will become perfectly white. But when the perfectly white is from God's work in your life, not from your futile efforts to appear good enough, that will be attractive to people. People will be drawn to you and ultimately drawn to your God. These are the only perfect people we should try be....
“I am not what I ought to be, I am not what I want to be, I am not what I hope to be in another world; but still I am not what I once used to be, and by the grace of God I am what I am” John Newton
For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:8-10
The house I grew up in had a long staircase that led from the second floor right to the front door. We slid down the banister and ran down those steps everyday. To see who was at the door, without them seeing you, you just had to crawl to the landing and peek through the rails. If the main door was open, you could see right out to the porch, because of the large storm door.
One day, I was doing what I normally did, running spastically down the stairs. For some reason, I decided to just run right out to the front yard. I had my eyes on the porch and only a freshly cleaned storm door stood in between. So yes, I ran full speed, down the stairs until an hard slam stopped me right there. I was embarrassed, I'm sure, but not really hurt. I remember it was unexpected and it startled me. I am still baffled that I would not have remembered it was there and stopped to open it first.
Some random person's door, but it was a lot like this....
Sometimes, things just pop up and take us by surprise. For some reason, when thinking about the strange week I have had, I was reminded of this silly storm door story.
I have been so discouraged, because I have been running along just fine and feel like I hit an unexpected slam last week that stopped me in my tracks. Other than meeting a couple of friends with whom I had already made plans, I have spent most of the week holed up in my house, even in my bed.
Around here, I call it "The Funk". When "The Funk" comes, it is way different than just having a bad day. It's different from being in a funk, this is "The Funk". It's like having a week of bad days, with no end in sight. I am a very upbeat, optimistic person, so bad days don't come around very often for me. In fact, this week came on so unexpectedly and powerfully, that if you read my "Dark Behind the Smile" blog, I'm kind of afraid I'm back there.
Definitely not me! Hard to muster fake smile and certainly did not cook all week....I did finally wash my hair today. Winning!
Not wanting to sound like a whiner, I'm just going to put it out there, because someone reading it needs to hear this. I have had nearly two years of chronic neck pain. I have had MRI's, X-rays, three epidural injections and two facet injections. I have had probably eight total months of PT, trigger point injections, massages, Lortab, icepacks, traction, and everything else in between. I have seen orthopedic doctors and a neurosurgeon. Not a disc issue, no diagnosis. Basically just an invisible nuisance that has rendered me useless multiple times in the last two years. Sometimes, when it flares up, I have bad headaches, confusion and I can't even collect coherent thoughts to write. A couple of weeks ago, my head started this weird, random shake....which is annoying and I'm not going to let it scare me.
I live with it and it just has become part of who I am. If I really focus on the pain, it's the same as always, I am just used to it. Sometimes, I think that it will just be like this the rest of my life. Sometimes, I want to go back to another doctor and run more tests....but I feel like they will not find an answer, either. I do have an appointment with an ENT next month....so I am a little hopeful he will have some ideas.
Early in my journey with this, someone said "have you ever considered, this may be your thorn?" (2 Corinthians 12). I didn't want to hear that, but if it is, I will praise God through it and let Him get glory through my pain.
Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:8-10
When I battled with depression seven years ago, I felt like if I could just kick it's butt, it would never come back again. I had successful treatment and scaled back dramatically. Saying no to activities became a way of life for me and I clipped along feeling good....until last week.
If you have ever experienced a crash, you know what I am talking about. It's scary and it is not welcome!!!
After several years of scaled back activity, I have recently become more involved again. I have been running and going and loving being active again. You know how once someone has had a heat stroke, they can no longer tolerate heat? Well, it's kind of like I can no longer tolerate stress. Let me tell you....that is so inconvenient! I totally love action and go,go, go! I am not a homebody, I am a go getter! But, it's almost like I can't go get anymore.
And then, I wonder how long my body can take this nagging pain? That's gotta be stressing me out all the time.
I guess I reached a threshold last week and slammed into the storm door. Didn't expect it, but it was there....and it stopped me cold.
This is what needs to happen to me now. And, if you are in this same boat, this is what you need to do today.
When "The Funk" comes
Get Up:
Even if you feel like laying there all day, get up. If someone calls and you don't feel like talking, answer the phone. Turn off the TV, make the bed, take a shower, make some food, and get up. There is legitimate tired and then there is legitimate funkified laying around. If you have been laying around so long that there is no possible reason for you to still be tired....get your hiney up and get going!
Get Down:
Humble yourself before the Lord and ask Him to be your strength. Open the Bible and read. You are not going to feel like it and it may be the last thing that you want to do....but do it. If you want power and strength that does not come from you, you have to submit to God and ask for it. Remembering that there is a sovereign Lord that has you in His hands is both comforting and freeing. Worship Him and give Him your all. He is faithful and He cares.
When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. Psalms 34:17
I waited patiently for the LORD; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the LORD. Psalms 40:1-3
Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time: Casting all your care upon him; for he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:6-7
Get Out:
As much as you do not feel like that 50's lady in the picture above, you have to get dressed and get out. An hour or two with a friend, really helps! I did it twice this week and I promise, it helps! Friends remind you that you are loved and that you do make a difference.
I am the worst person to remind us all how important it is to get moving. The most get moving I have done lately is to the mailbox. I'm thinking that it would really help if I put on my running shoes and at least walked around the block! The fresh air and sounds of nature have a great way of rejuvenating a sad soul. It's spring time, the birds are all back. Sit on your porch and watch birds for a while. Birds always remind me of God's provision, faithfulness and goodness. And springtime reminds me that winter doesn't last forever.
Get On With Your Life:
For me, I have decided to go back on Lexipro. I am not ashamed, because I recognize "The Funk" when I see it. I put off the decision to start the medicine again earlier in the year, because I am so afraid of the weight gain that I know is coming. I'm thinking that is probably another reason I should be getting out my running shoes...and actually running. If you can't shake it, talk to someone and get some help. This is not how your life should be. Give God glory through your dark days and look forward to the day that you will be back in the light.
While life goes on even when I am in "The Funk", it is not the life that my family deserves. If you choose to stay locked up and turned in to yourself, letting "The Funk" win, then it will win. Do not let your void feeling rule your life. Get over it and get going again. I thank God that my husband is so gentle and kind and helps me during these times. But, I need to get over it and get on with life.
As much as I haven't felt like writing in a couple of weeks, I felt that I had to write this today. If this is you.....let this be your call to Get up, Get Down, Get Out, and Get On with your life.
Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God. Psalms 42:11
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. 1 Peter 4:12-13
Praise Him through the pain. He is King and Healer.
*This post is my personal story with depression. It is not intended to endorse any specific treatment or to encourage someone to determine that they are also depressed. If my story strikes a chord with you, I would encourage you to visit with your health professional and take the steps toward healing. It may require pastoral counseling, professional counseling or medication. This might be one of the most important personal stories that I tell.
This is my story...I am not ashamed of it... I hope it helps you.
All of my life, I have been a people pleaser and an overachiever. If there was something I wanted to do, I did it. If there was something that needed to be done, I did it....whether I wanted to or not. "Yes" and "I can do it" seemed to jump out of my mouth before I had even had a chance for my brain to consider what I was agreeing to do. In the words of the great philosopher, Vanilla Ice, "If there was a problem, YO, I'll solve it"....(strange to quote that, but there's a bunch of stuff like that floating around in my head at all times:)
I seem to thrive on high speed....Go, Go, Go. I have always been able to function on high speed and I was often praised for it. Praised for all the stuff that I could do and get done. Tim laughs because when my head hits the pillow at night, he can hear my breathing patterns change, indicating I am asleep, before even one minute has passed. I go hard, and then I crash hard. Looking back at my life, I think I have always been like that. I was never really one to idle or just hang out. It was always hard for me to sit still, unless I could sit still and be busy doing something at the same time.
I guess I thought that I was immune to the warnings. Immune to the fact that the human body can only go so long on high gear, adrenaline rush, before it makes you stop. My body made me stop a couple of years ago.
When I look at my late 20's and 30's, there was a lot going on there. We had our three daughters close together. When the oldest was 3 1/2, the youngest was born. When they were little, I wrote and led Bible studies, had a little cake decorating business and a craft business from my home, I was the women's ministry leader at our church, Sunday school teacher, class homeroom mom at school, and I always volunteered in a lot of different places. I was the mom that did all of the cutesy stuff...I kind of thank God that Pinterest was not around at that time, because I'm thinking that would not have been good for me!
When they all were old enough for school, I started teaching junior high and high school. I got to the school at 7:30 and usually did not leave until 4:30-5. Somewhere in there, I started going to seminary- which meant that basically, I commuted from Norman to Dallas to get my Masters degree. The first semester, I drove down on Mondays and Wednesdays for classes. Dallas is three hours away. After the first semester, I could arrange it where I only had to be on campus one day a week, but sometimes I would have weekend classes or multiple week classes during summer or winter break. All the while I was still teaching, leading ministry, raising daughters, being a wife, a friend, a Sunday school teacher......Also, in this mix, Tim left his job and started a new business from scratch and I tried to help with that as much as possible.
At some point when I was around 36....my body started resisting my behavior. It started with a racing heart rate and symptoms that mimicked a heart attack. I had pain down my arm and along my jaw line, I felt cold rushes, nauseated and faint. It got so bad, that one day, I asked Tim to take me to the emergency room. They ran all of the tests and told me everything was fine, probably just stress related. After this, I continued everything that I was doing before, and as days went on , I started to become less and less like myself.
I started having weird feelings in my legs and my skin and I was shaky. I would usually go to sleep just fine, but would wake up a lot in the night. Sometimes, I would get up and do laundry and stuff around the house for hours in the middle of the night.
I was the same to everyone around me, but I noticed a difference. Publically, I still had a smile, but I was dark behind the smile. I didn't really enjoy people as much as I once had. I sometimes felt trapped inside myself and at the worst, wondered why I was here. I was often confused and had trouble organizing my thoughts. Sometimes, I was scared to be driving, because I felt like I was going to wreck. I lost my edge and sharpness. One day, I was at a store several miles north of my town, and I wondered what would happen if I just got back on the highway and kept driving north and just ran away from everything....
That was not me!! The thought of leaving everything behind and escaping, those were not thoughts that come from "sweet Kelly". What was wrong with me? A good mom doesn't think those thoughts.....I don't think those thoughts.
I retreated more and more to my room, without really letting anyone know where I was. Sometimes, on Saturdays, I would sleep most of the day. I had migraines. I felt numb....I felt empty.....I felt like I was in a dark fuzz and nothing was ever going to be as it had been before. Things that used to bring me happiness, no longer did. I couldn't do anything to get out of the funk. I'm a treat kind of girl....and treats didn't even make me happy, anymore. It wasn't that I was crying all of the time, it was more like I didn't feel anything anymore.
I love to read the Bible and have time with God. I kept doing this, but I didn't want to, and it didn't bring me the enjoyment it once did. I love my kids and spending time with family.....that did not bring the same joy anymore. Where was I.....where did I go? I was somewhere, lost behind the dark fuzz and nothing could remove it.
I am not sure that anyone, but my family, ever noticed what was going on. I did gradually start to bow out of activities. I stopped volunteering and helping out. I actually didn't care anymore, so it wasn't that big a deal. I gradually stopped being one of those moms.
Finally, in the deepest moments, I didn't really even want to be here anymore. I never considered suicide, but like I said before, I did think about just getting in the car and going far away. I thought that even if the whole family just moved to another city, everything would be better. People wouldn't expect so much from me, because they wouldn't know me.
I finally said that I needed help. I had resisted it for so long, because I thought it was a weakness to say I was operating everyday in depression. If I told the church or Christian friends, they would think that I had a besetting sin and that this was probably a spiritual issue. If I was really godly enough, that dark fuzz would not be there.
Tim was so kind and gentle with me. He loved me through this time, and I am so grateful for that.
One day, I heard a pastor, that I respect immensely, on Focus on the Family radio. Tommy Nelson, the pastor of Denton Bible Church, officiated our wedding in 1993. His teaching on the Song of Solomon is one of the best marriage resources that we have ever studied. He is a godly man and one of the best Bible teachers of our generation. I trust him. He was telling his story of how he had battled depression. He was honest about it. He described the science of Type-A, driven people operating on all cylinders for a prolonged period. I literally stopped in my tracks to listen to the broadcast that day. I went online and listened to it again. I had Tim listen to it. It resonated with me. His words were my story. Knowing that this had happened to him, gave me permission to admit that it was happening to me. It is what God used to start me on the road to healing. I thank God, for Tom Nelson, even to this day. (Around this time, he spoke to the chapel at Dallas Seminary. The full lecture is posted at the end of this blog).
Being a science teacher and understanding fundamentally what he was saying, everything clicked that day. The science of stress made sense to me. To totally simplify it, there are two adrenals glands, one on top of each of the kidneys, that makes adrenaline for the body to survive a stressful situation. God, in His great wisdom and creativity, designed it so that if you are walking somewhere and there is a threatening situation, you can run from it faster that you ever have run before. Or, it's like those stories where humans have picked up a car to lift it off of someone. I heard a story once of a mountain climber, who had a boulder fall on him. He had such a rush of adrenaline, that a large percentage of his muscles were able to be used and he pushed the giant rock off. Because the body doesn't normally use that many muscle fibers at once, he actually ripped muscle from the bone. This was purely a result of having such an adrenaline surge, that his body became supernaturally strong. Adrenaline is the good stuff that keeps you going and protects you from stress. Along with adrenaline, the adrenal gland is also producing low levels of another hormone, called cortisol. Cortisol helps the body utilize sugars that are needed for energy.
Adrenaline and cortisol are both imperative to healthy bodies. But, if you stay at high levels of "turned on, full speed" for long enough, the body continues to release adrenaline and greater levels of cortisol. Over time, this can lead to weight gain, heart disease and other health risks, including depression.
So....adrenaline and cortisol are good if a tiger is chasing you and you've gotta get your wheels on! But bad, if you have been so freaked out, stressed out, worn out, that your body thinks it has been running from tiger for a year, or more, but really it has just gotten so stressed out that it never stops. Sometimes, the body is in continual stress because of a life event like divorce or death, sometimes it is because of financial burden or daily emotional turmoil, sometimes its just because you are trying to be all things to all people all the time. That was the case for me.
As the body lives in this prolonged state of stress, it begins to affect the balance of neurotransmitters in the nervous system. The main neurotransmitter related to this adrenaline cortisone cycle is serotonin. Anti-depressants like Prozac, Lexapro, Celexa, Zoloft, are SSRI's- Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors. They actually block the reabsorption of serotonin, so that levels of serotonin can increase and help brain cells send and receive chemical messages again. Increased levels of serotonin lead to a feeling of well being and decreased levels are associated with some forms of depression.
All of this made sense to me. So when I visited my doctor and he suggested that we try Lexapro....I did not hesitate. I did not see it as a failure or a weakness. I saw it as a necessary chemical to help my body get back into the chemical balance it had before I crashed.
The Lexapro couldn't be all that I did, though. I had to make major life changes. I had to stop stuff. In a sense, I withdrew from most outside activity. Seminary was winding down. I stepped down from leading the Women's Ministry. I spent more time at home and was okay with just sitting still.
I was told that it would take a while to feel the effects of the anti-depressant, if it was going to work at all. To this day, I remember when I first could tell that it was working. It was about six weeks after I took the first pill. Tim and I were in Wal-Mart walking down the main aisle by the checkout stands, heading north. I have a very vivid recollection of this moment. I stopped and told Tim that I felt like the veil had been lifted. The dark fuzz seemed to be gone. In a strange way, I felt light inside, and i felt the joy that had been missing. It was a marked change.
I took this medicine for two years, then gradually weaned off of it. That was about four years ago. I have not needed it since.
I have not needed it because I am a different person, now. I say no to stuff. I choose not to do everything that I could possibly do. I physically step aside sometimes and let someone else rush to do the people pleasing. When I see people like I was, it kind of annoys me. I have no guilt or shame by saying no. I know that I am capable and I know that I could do it, but I do not have to do it to prove my worth.
I try to agree to do things that are conducive to my family time and that will not wear me out or stress me out. I try to take jobs that I can stay home and do at my convenience. I know that sounds selfish, but for me, it is vital that I protect myself and pay attention to the stressors in my life. Its okay to run on all cylinders for a short cycle to help groups out, but I refuse to run on all cylinders all the time anymore.
I am now totally cool with saying no to something and just staying home for the night and watching TV.
If you are reading this and you are maxed out in the stressor department, please take this as a warning. Do not let your body get to the point where it forces you to stop. You will crash if you keep going. And the funk is not fun.
If you feel like you have that dark fuzz and are in a place where you do not recognize yourself anymore, please go and talk to someone. Please do not let it take a toll on your family. Seize this moment to do something about it. You may look like a Superwoman or a Superman, but I promise you are not. Take the cues from your body and make a change today.
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Recommended resources
Tommy Nelsons testimony of his battle with depression at the DTS chapel, 2007- (31:51)
Book
Tommy Nelson and Steve Leavitt
Walking on Water When You Feel Like You're Drowning: Finding Hope in Life's Darkest Moments
Around the time that I felt called to full time ministry, I did a lot of reflecting. Reflecting on things I was holding on to and parts of my life where I was not trusting God. I felt like I had unfinished business in my hometown, so I drove there by myself one day.
Cross Canadian Ragweed has a song, called 17, about how you are always 17 in your hometown. I don't like this, because I didn't like my 17 year old self. She was very successful and talented, but I didn't like her insecurities, her pain or her inability to accept grace. In fact, to some degree, I was still holding on to my 17 year old self. I was probably just a normal teenager, making stupid teenager choices, but still, I wasn't proud of that. I wanted to go back to my hometown, revisit her, and then leave her there.
Class of '89
It wasn't about apologizing to people and forgiving people....that, I had already done. When I was in college I called my stepdad and told him that even though he wasn't asking for it, I forgave him for his erratic behavior. When I got a little older, I wrote a letter to my former best friend. I was even able to talk to the person that sponsored my 10th grade ski trip. I had already thanked the women that had poured into me and spoken truth to me....the people that had challenged me and loved me anyway. It wasn't about my salvation and me asking for God's forgiveness, I had already done that. But, what I had never done was say goodbye to that girl and really let her go. That's why I took this trip.
I had in mind where I wanted to end up, but first I drove around town. I drove to the house where I was raised. It was the middle of the day, I hoped no one would be home or no neighbors would be watching. I got out of my car and walked around the outside of the house, peering in windows while flooded with memories. Some good, some sad. Through the tears, I was speaking forgiveness. I thanked God for a noble mother and for sweet siblings. I thanked God for knowing that I was there and for remembering me. I thanked him for the provisions and the guidance and lessons learned there.
I got back in my car and drove through town. I drove down 'the drag' (How did we ever find that exciting?) I drove to places where I had "thrown pearls to swine". I drove to places where I had masqueraded as a believer, but been a confused hypocrite. I drove to places where I could almost relive the pain and embarrassment. It was like watching a movie, where it seemed strangely familiar, almost like it was my life....but it wasn't anymore.
My final stop was at a picnic area at the old lake hangout. I really never spent much time at this exact place, but I used it to represent my entire life in my hometown. I sat at a pecan tree in early spring, before it's new life had emerged. This picture is of the actual tree, I have it framed in my study. I sat there, alone with my Bible and my God, who had been wooing me that whole time.
My beautiful, ugly tree
I already knew that I was forgiven, I knew that I was saved, but sometimes I still believed the lies that Satan told me....that I really wasn't good enough, it was not possible to remove guilt and shame, people would never forgive and forget. That day I asked God to release me of those thoughts. To show me that He makes all things new and that I really am a new creation since I am in Christ. I cried and I talked a lot. I also laid face down in that dry, spotty grass and let God wash me and speak truth to me. After a really long time, maybe hours, I got up from that spot, walked to my car, took this picture and drove away.
Life is full of choices and sometimes we make bad decisions. By our sin, we put a barrier between us and God which leads to regret and shame. Then, often times, we choose to stay there. Blocked from the fullness of God, trapped in our sin. This is when we have defeat. Wallowing in mistakes doesn't make the mistake go away, it just puts a magnifying glass on it and on the consequences. You can choose to sit and stare at your past, or worse, walk backwards trying to stay there. Or, you can cast away the past and run forward, fixing your eyes on Christ, the author and perfecter of your faith. When you give him the past- the choices, the consequences, the regret and shame- really give it to him, that is when He will take it from you. (maybe this is your weight that we talked about from Hebrews 12)
I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Gal 2:20
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 2 Corinthians 5:17
Maybe your hurt is from the last year you, or the right now you. And, sometimes, what has hurt you from your past, isn't related to your sin at all, but from someone else's sin. You find yourself living in the shadows of the consequences they brought upon you and your family. You need to give that to God, too.
Once you have the obedience to leave the past to God, he will flood you with healing. Go to a symbolic location and ask God to meet with you there. Take a picture or write a story about it. When the enemy tries to throw it back up to you, go back to that place and remember that you have victory. From then on, remember the victory, not the battle. It's like remembering an empty cross, instead of a cross filled with Christ. It is finished, He defeated sin and death. You have victory and you have new life....not because you are now so good, but because your Christ is always so good.
And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross. Colossians 2:8-14
as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:12
People around you may not be able to take the 'old you' out of their minds- but that's okay. How they see you is ultimately not what's most important. There should, however, be an obvious change in your life and your choices. It is appropriate to ask forgiveness. The hope is that those people will release you and forgive you, but if they do not, it is not your problem. Unless those that were affected and involved in your story have had the same type of forgiveness and healing, they may not ever be able to let go of who you were then or of pain you may have caused them. Offer it to them, but if they don't accept it, that is okay, it doesn't matter. God does not hold it any more. It has been cast away and nailed to the cross. All of it...
For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart” 1 Sam 16:7
Go find your own memorial marker, leave your past there, hold your head high, march on and thank God. Your marker may be a building, a place in nature, a picture, a figurine, or a box full of something. You may want to throw something into the lake, bury it, burn it.....I don't know what it will look like for you. But having a tangible marker helps so much. Then tell someone about it. Tell your children, let them know about your God. Don't be afraid to be real with people.
The Bible talks about faithful people building memorials, alters, markers to remember the great things God had done.
One example of this is from the Jordan river story in Joshua 4:
And those twelve stones, which they took out of the Jordan, Joshua set up at Gilgal. And he said to the people of Israel, “When your children ask their fathers in times to come, ‘What do these stones mean?’ then you shall let your children know, ‘Israel passed over this Jordan on dry ground.’ For the LORD your God dried up the waters of the Jordan for you until you passed over, as the LORD your God did to the Red Sea, which he dried up for us until we passed over, so that all the peoples of the earth may know that the hand of the LORD is mighty, that you may fear the LORD your God forever.” Joshua 4:20-24
Another example in Genesis 35:
Then let us arise and go up to Bethel, so that I may make there an altar to the God who answers me in the day of my distress and has been with me wherever I have gone.” Genesis 35:3
I thank God for my past. After all, like dark is the best way to appreciate light, ugly is the best way to appreciate beauty. The past is what made us what we are today and ultimately, if used correctly, it is what makes us beautiful today. Because of it, we can understand how far God's grace and mercy can reach. Because of it, we can freely offer grace to others...to our spouses, our children, our friends. Even when they are not beautiful....
Hallelujah for my beautiful, ugly tree and for all of the other markers I have along the way and for the markers still to come! Hallelujah that God makes beautiful things out of us.....
I did it! I said I wouldn't do it, I thought a lot about not doing it, I really didn't want to do it, but I still did it.....
I took these pounds into my 40's.
I have an issue with my weight. My story may not be the same as yours. For many of you, weight has always been your battle and it is hard to fight the genetics that you have received. If this is you...please do not read this as me being insensitive toward you. Please, please, please do not do that. If you would see me, you may not think I am overweight....well, that's not true. I am sure that if you know me, or have known me, you probably think that....but I have made a deliberate decision not to fret over that. I make a point to suppress the desire to worry about what you might say when I turn away. I have tried not to let my daughters know that me gaining 20 pounds really does bother me. I really don't want it to be about how I look or how much I weigh. Of course, I care about that....but it does not define me. It doesn't define you, either.
I fool myself by thinking that if I buy cute tops that cover my butt, somehow, my weight won't be noticed. I've also finally come to the realization that the problem is not the clothes...it's me. In the past 10 years, I have had two years of Lexipro to get me out of the fog of depression that was a result of my overactive, "say yes to everything" crazy period....(you will eventually crash, people!) But, that is another story for another day. I did go through five steroid injections over a six month period for chronic neck pain...but, that is also another story for another day. Those things alone will put on extra pounds that are hard to get off. But those things ultimately are not the reason I took these pounds into my 40's.
FYI....maxi dresses are pretty forgiving.
It's not genetics...My mom is in her 60's and wears size zero pants. I have been tempted to just grab her pants and see if I could even get them up past my thighs! It's not that I work out all the time and just can't seem to get the weight off....ask my couch or the ladies from The View. It's not even that I have been eating right, but my metabolism has just slowed so much.....ask the Dr. Pepper dispenser at the Big Gulp counter at 7-11. I took these pounds into my 40's because I did not treat my body as the 'temple of the living God' and I had little self control. I refused to deny myself anything that I wanted and I found comfort in foods and Big Gulps when I was stressed or just needed a little treat. When you get to the root of the problem, disobedience is why I took these pounds into my 40's.
seriously...this stuff's good!
My resolution this year is to be broken. For me, another stronghold is food. I don't know if you have ever tried fasting, but I have many times. It is hard for me to fast even for one day! Partly, because I am selfish and don't want to deny myself a treat and partly because my cells have been so conditioned to get fuel from junk, that without it, it's like every cell in my body is convulsing by the end of the day. I started this year with a couple of days of fasting, trying to be obedient those days to replace my every thought about food with only thoughts about God. I was amazed how much I thought about food. It was also very hard to not go around "looking gloomy....with a distorted face" (see Luke 6:16), because it really is that hard for me.
I have committed to be more deliberate with what and when I eat. I'm not really interested in freaking out about a diet and exercise program. I just want to be obedient when it comes to food and health. The food I eat or don't eat, will not commend me before God (1 Cor. 8:8)....it is not the food, it is the heart. Ideally, at the end of the year, I will be healthier and it will be noticeable. But, since the issue with my weight is a matter of the heart, hopefully my heart will be what changes the most.
So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. 1 Corinthians 10:31
Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. Luke 12:23 But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified. 1 Corinthians 9:27 I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:1-2
