I Left Her There

 

I left my 17 year old self there.....

At the beautiful, ugly tree.

 



Around the time that I felt called to full time ministry, I did a lot of reflecting.  Reflecting on things I was holding on to and parts of my life where I was not trusting God.  I felt like I had unfinished business in my hometown, so I drove there by myself one day.

Cross Canadian Ragweed has a song, called 17, about how you are always 17 in your hometown.  I don't like this, because I didn't like my 17 year old self.  She was very successful and talented, but I didn't like her insecurities, her pain or her inability to accept grace. In fact, to some degree, I was still holding on to my 17 year old self.  I was probably just a normal teenager, making stupid teenager choices, but still, I wasn't proud of that. I wanted to go back to my hometown, revisit her, and then leave her there.



Class of '89

 

 

It wasn't about apologizing to people and forgiving people....that, I had already done. When I was in college I called my stepdad and told him that even though he wasn't asking for it, I forgave him for his erratic behavior.  When I got a little older, I wrote a letter to my former best friend.  I was even able to talk to the person that sponsored my 10th grade ski trip.  I had already thanked the women that had poured into me and spoken truth to me....the people that had challenged me and loved me anyway.  It wasn't about my salvation and me asking for God's forgiveness, I had already done that.  But, what I had never done was say goodbye to that girl and really let her go.  That's why I took this trip.
 

I had in mind where I wanted to end up, but first I drove around town.  I drove to the house where I was raised.  It was the middle of the day, I hoped no one would be home or no neighbors would be watching.  I got out of my car and walked around the outside of the house, peering in windows while flooded with memories.   Some good, some sad.  Through the tears, I was speaking forgiveness.  I thanked God for a noble mother and for sweet siblings.  I thanked God for knowing that I was there and for remembering me.  I thanked him for the provisions and the guidance and lessons learned there. 

 

I got back in my car and drove through town.  I drove down 'the drag' (How did we ever find that exciting?) I drove to places where I had "thrown pearls to swine". I drove to places where I had masqueraded as a believer, but been a confused hypocrite.  I drove to places where I could almost relive the pain and embarrassment.    It was like watching a movie, where it seemed strangely familiar, almost like it was my life....but it wasn't anymore.

 

My final stop was at a picnic area at the old lake hangout.  I really never spent much time at this exact place, but I used it to represent my entire life in my hometown.  I sat at a pecan tree in early spring, before it's new life had emerged.  This picture is of the actual tree, I have it framed in my study.  I sat there, alone with my Bible and my God, who had been wooing me that whole time.

My beautiful, ugly tree

 

I already knew that I was forgiven, I knew that I was saved, but sometimes I still believed the lies that Satan told me....that I really wasn't good enough, it was not possible to remove guilt and shame, people would never forgive and forget.  That day I asked God to release me of those thoughts.  To show me that He makes all things new and that I really am a new creation since I am in Christ.  I cried and I talked a lot.  I also laid face down in that dry, spotty grass and let God wash me and speak truth to me.  After a really long time, maybe hours, I got up from that spot, walked to my car, took this picture and drove away. 

Life is full of choices and sometimes we make bad decisions.  By our sin, we put a barrier between us and God which leads to regret and shame.    Then, often times, we choose to stay there.  Blocked from the fullness of God, trapped in our sin.  This is when we have defeat.  Wallowing in mistakes doesn't make the mistake go away, it just puts a magnifying glass on it and on the consequences.  You can choose to sit and stare at your past, or worse, walk backwards trying to stay there.  Or, you can cast away the past and run forward, fixing your eyes on Christ, the author and perfecter of your faith.  When you give him the past- the choices, the consequences, the regret and shame- really give it to him, that is when He will take it from you. (maybe this is your weight that we talked about from Hebrews 12)
 

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Gal 2:20

 

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 2 Corinthians 5:17

 

 

Maybe your hurt is from the last year you, or the right now you.  And, sometimes, what has hurt you from your past, isn't related to your sin at all, but from someone else's sin.  You find yourself living in the shadows of the consequences they brought upon you and your family.  You need to give that to God, too. 

 

Once you have the obedience to leave the past to God, he will flood you with healing.  Go to a symbolic location and ask God to meet with you there.  Take a picture or write a story about it.  When the enemy tries to throw it back up to you, go back to that place and remember that you have victory.  From then on, remember the victory, not the battle.  It's like remembering an empty cross, instead of a cross filled with Christ.  It is finished, He defeated sin and death.  You have victory and you have new life....not because you are now so good, but because your Christ is always so good.
 

And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross.     Colossians 2:8-14

 

as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.             Psalm 103:12

 

 

People around you may not be able to take the 'old you' out of their minds- but that's okay.  How they see you is ultimately not what's most important. There should, however, be an obvious change in your life and your choices.  It is appropriate to ask forgiveness.  The hope is that those people will release you and forgive you, but if they do not, it is not your problem.  Unless those that were affected and involved in your story have had the same type of forgiveness and healing, they may not ever be able to let go of who you were then or of pain you may have caused them.  Offer it to them, but if they don't accept it, that is okay, it doesn't matter.  God does not hold it any more.  It has been cast away and nailed to the cross.  All of it...

 

For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart” 1 Sam 16:7  

Go find your own memorial marker, leave your past there, hold your head high, march on and thank God.  Your marker may be a building, a place in nature, a picture, a figurine, or a box full of something.  You may want to throw something into the lake, bury it, burn it.....I don't know what it will look like for you.  But having a tangible marker helps so much.  Then tell someone about it.  Tell your children, let them know about your God.   Don't be afraid to be real with people.

 

The Bible talks about faithful people building memorials, alters, markers to remember the great things God had done. 

 

One example of this is from the Jordan river story in Joshua 4:

 

And those twelve stones, which they took out of the Jordan, Joshua set up at Gilgal. And he said to the people of Israel, “When your children ask their fathers in times to come, ‘What do these stones mean?’ then you shall let your children know, ‘Israel passed over this Jordan on dry ground.’ For the LORD your God dried up the waters of the Jordan for you until you passed over, as the LORD your God did to the Red Sea, which he dried up for us until we passed over, so that all the peoples of the earth may know that the hand of the LORD is mighty, that you may fear the LORD your God forever.” Joshua 4:20-24

 

 

Another example in Genesis 35:

 

Then let us arise and go up to Bethel, so that I may make there an altar to the God who answers me in the day of my distress and has been with me wherever I have gone.”
Genesis 35:3

 

 

  

I thank God for my past.   After all, like dark is the best way to appreciate light, ugly is the best way to appreciate beauty.  The past is what made us what we are today and ultimately, if used correctly, it is what makes us beautiful today.  Because of it, we can understand how far God's grace and mercy can reach.  Because of it, we can freely offer grace to others...to our spouses, our children, our friends.  Even when they are not beautiful....
 

Hallelujah for my beautiful, ugly tree and for all of the other markers I have along the way and for the markers still to come!  Hallelujah that God makes beautiful things out of us.....

 

 

   

 

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