This is my story...I am not ashamed of it... I hope it helps you.
All of my life, I have been a people pleaser and an overachiever. If there was something I wanted to do, I did it. If there was something that needed to be done, I did it....whether I wanted to or not. "Yes" and "I can do it" seemed to jump out of my mouth before I had even had a chance for my brain to consider what I was agreeing to do. In the words of the great philosopher, Vanilla Ice, "If there was a problem, YO, I'll solve it"....(strange to quote that, but there's a bunch of stuff like that floating around in my head at all times:)
I seem to thrive on high speed....Go, Go, Go. I have always been able to function on high speed and I was often praised for it. Praised for all the stuff that I could do and get done. Tim laughs because when my head hits the pillow at night, he can hear my breathing patterns change, indicating I am asleep, before even one minute has passed. I go hard, and then I crash hard. Looking back at my life, I think I have always been like that. I was never really one to idle or just hang out. It was always hard for me to sit still, unless I could sit still and be busy doing something at the same time.
I guess I thought that I was immune to the warnings. Immune to the fact that the human body can only go so long on high gear, adrenaline rush, before it makes you stop. My body made me stop a couple of years ago.
When I look at my late 20's and 30's, there was a lot going on there. We had our three daughters close together. When the oldest was 3 1/2, the youngest was born. When they were little, I wrote and led Bible studies, had a little cake decorating business and a craft business from my home, I was the women's ministry leader at our church, Sunday school teacher, class homeroom mom at school, and I always volunteered in a lot of different places. I was the mom that did all of the cutesy stuff...I kind of thank God that Pinterest was not around at that time, because I'm thinking that would not have been good for me!
When they all were old enough for school, I started teaching junior high and high school. I got to the school at 7:30 and usually did not leave until 4:30-5. Somewhere in there, I started going to seminary- which meant that basically, I commuted from Norman to Dallas to get my Masters degree. The first semester, I drove down on Mondays and Wednesdays for classes. Dallas is three hours away. After the first semester, I could arrange it where I only had to be on campus one day a week, but sometimes I would have weekend classes or multiple week classes during summer or winter break. All the while I was still teaching, leading ministry, raising daughters, being a wife, a friend, a Sunday school teacher......Also, in this mix, Tim left his job and started a new business from scratch and I tried to help with that as much as possible.
At some point when I was around 36....my body started resisting my behavior. It started with a racing heart rate and symptoms that mimicked a heart attack. I had pain down my arm and along my jaw line, I felt cold rushes, nauseated and faint. It got so bad, that one day, I asked Tim to take me to the emergency room. They ran all of the tests and told me everything was fine, probably just stress related. After this, I continued everything that I was doing before, and as days went on , I started to become less and less like myself.
I started having weird feelings in my legs and my skin and I was shaky. I would usually go to sleep just fine, but would wake up a lot in the night. Sometimes, I would get up and do laundry and stuff around the house for hours in the middle of the night.
I was the same to everyone around me, but I noticed a difference. Publically, I still had a smile, but I was dark behind the smile. I didn't really enjoy people as much as I once had. I sometimes felt trapped inside myself and at the worst, wondered why I was here. I was often confused and had trouble organizing my thoughts. Sometimes, I was scared to be driving, because I felt like I was going to wreck. I lost my edge and sharpness. One day, I was at a store several miles north of my town, and I wondered what would happen if I just got back on the highway and kept driving north and just ran away from everything....
That was not me!! The thought of leaving everything behind and escaping, those were not thoughts that come from "sweet Kelly". What was wrong with me? A good mom doesn't think those thoughts.....I don't think those thoughts.
I retreated more and more to my room, without really letting anyone know where I was. Sometimes, on Saturdays, I would sleep most of the day. I had migraines. I felt numb....I felt empty.....I felt like I was in a dark fuzz and nothing was ever going to be as it had been before. Things that used to bring me happiness, no longer did. I couldn't do anything to get out of the funk. I'm a treat kind of girl....and treats didn't even make me happy, anymore. It wasn't that I was crying all of the time, it was more like I didn't feel anything anymore.
I love to read the Bible and have time with God. I kept doing this, but I didn't want to, and it didn't bring me the enjoyment it once did. I love my kids and spending time with family.....that did not bring the same joy anymore. Where was I.....where did I go? I was somewhere, lost behind the dark fuzz and nothing could remove it.
I am not sure that anyone, but my family, ever noticed what was going on. I did gradually start to bow out of activities. I stopped volunteering and helping out. I actually didn't care anymore, so it wasn't that big a deal. I gradually stopped being one of those moms.
Finally, in the deepest moments, I didn't really even want to be here anymore. I never considered suicide, but like I said before, I did think about just getting in the car and going far away. I thought that even if the whole family just moved to another city, everything would be better. People wouldn't expect so much from me, because they wouldn't know me.
I finally said that I needed help. I had resisted it for so long, because I thought it was a weakness to say I was operating everyday in depression. If I told the church or Christian friends, they would think that I had a besetting sin and that this was probably a spiritual issue. If I was really godly enough, that dark fuzz would not be there.
Tim was so kind and gentle with me. He loved me through this time, and I am so grateful for that.
One day, I heard a pastor, that I respect immensely, on Focus on the Family radio. Tommy Nelson, the pastor of Denton Bible Church, officiated our wedding in 1993. His teaching on the Song of Solomon is one of the best marriage resources that we have ever studied. He is a godly man and one of the best Bible teachers of our generation. I trust him. He was telling his story of how he had battled depression. He was honest about it. He described the science of Type-A, driven people operating on all cylinders for a prolonged period. I literally stopped in my tracks to listen to the broadcast that day. I went online and listened to it again. I had Tim listen to it. It resonated with me. His words were my story. Knowing that this had happened to him, gave me permission to admit that it was happening to me. It is what God used to start me on the road to healing. I thank God, for Tom Nelson, even to this day.
(Around this time, he spoke to the chapel at Dallas Seminary. The full lecture is posted at the end of this blog).
Being a science teacher and understanding fundamentally what he was saying, everything clicked that day. The science of stress made sense to me. To totally simplify it, there are two adrenals glands, one on top of each of the kidneys, that makes adrenaline for the body to survive a stressful situation. God, in His great wisdom and creativity, designed it so that if you are walking somewhere and there is a threatening situation, you can run from it faster that you ever have run before. Or, it's like those stories where humans have picked up a car to lift it off of someone. I heard a story once of a mountain climber, who had a boulder fall on him. He had such a rush of adrenaline, that a large percentage of his muscles were able to be used and he pushed the giant rock off. Because the body doesn't normally use that many muscle fibers at once, he actually ripped muscle from the bone. This was purely a result of having such an adrenaline surge, that his body became supernaturally strong. Adrenaline is the good stuff that keeps you going and protects you from stress. Along with adrenaline, the adrenal gland is also producing low levels of another hormone, called cortisol. Cortisol helps the body utilize sugars that are needed for energy.
Adrenaline and cortisol are both imperative to healthy bodies. But, if you stay at high levels of "turned on, full speed" for long enough, the body continues to release adrenaline and greater levels of cortisol. Over time, this can lead to weight gain, heart disease and other health risks, including depression.
So....adrenaline and cortisol are good if a tiger is chasing you and you've gotta get your wheels on! But bad, if you have been so freaked out, stressed out, worn out, that your body thinks it has been running from tiger for a year, or more, but really it has just gotten so stressed out that it never stops. Sometimes, the body is in continual stress because of a life event like divorce or death, sometimes it is because of financial burden or daily emotional turmoil, sometimes its just because you are trying to be all things to all people all the time. That was the case for me.
As the body lives in this prolonged state of stress, it begins to affect the balance of neurotransmitters in the nervous system. The main neurotransmitter related to this adrenaline cortisone cycle is serotonin. Anti-depressants like Prozac, Lexapro, Celexa, Zoloft, are SSRI's- Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors. They actually block the reabsorption of serotonin, so that levels of serotonin can increase and help brain cells send and receive chemical messages again. Increased levels of serotonin lead to a feeling of well being and decreased levels are associated with some forms of depression.
All of this made sense to me. So when I visited my doctor and he suggested that we try Lexapro....I did not hesitate. I did not see it as a failure or a weakness. I saw it as a necessary chemical to help my body get back into the chemical balance it had before I crashed.
The Lexapro couldn't be all that I did, though. I had to make major life changes. I had to stop stuff. In a sense, I withdrew from most outside activity. Seminary was winding down. I stepped down from leading the Women's Ministry. I spent more time at home and was okay with just sitting still.
I was told that it would take a while to feel the effects of the anti-depressant, if it was going to work at all. To this day, I remember when I first could tell that it was working. It was about six weeks after I took the first pill. Tim and I were in Wal-Mart walking down the main aisle by the checkout stands, heading north. I have a very vivid recollection of this moment. I stopped and told Tim that I felt like the veil had been lifted. The dark fuzz seemed to be gone. In a strange way, I felt light inside, and i felt the joy that had been missing. It was a marked change.
I took this medicine for two years, then gradually weaned off of it. That was about four years ago. I have not needed it since.
I have not needed it because I am a different person, now. I say no to stuff. I choose not to do everything that I could possibly do. I physically step aside sometimes and let someone else rush to do the people pleasing. When I see people like I was, it kind of annoys me. I have no guilt or shame by saying no. I know that I am capable and I know that I could do it, but I do not have to do it to prove my worth.
I try to agree to do things that are conducive to my family time and that will not wear me out or stress me out. I try to take jobs that I can stay home and do at my convenience. I know that sounds selfish, but for me, it is vital that I protect myself and pay attention to the stressors in my life. Its okay to run on all cylinders for a short cycle to help groups out, but I refuse to run on all cylinders all the time anymore.
I am now totally cool with saying no to something and just staying home for the night and watching TV.
If you are reading this and you are maxed out in the stressor department, please take this as a warning. Do not let your body get to the point where it forces you to stop. You will crash if you keep going. And the funk is not fun.
If you feel like you have that dark fuzz and are in a place where you do not recognize yourself anymore, please go and talk to someone. Please do not let it take a toll on your family. Seize this moment to do something about it. You may look like a Superwoman or a Superman, but I promise you are not. Take the cues from your body and make a change today.
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Recommended resources
Tommy Nelsons testimony of his battle with depression at the DTS chapel, 2007- (31:51)
Book
Tommy Nelson and Steve Leavitt
Walking on Water When You Feel Like You're Drowning: Finding Hope in Life's Darkest Moments
Focus on the Family articles
Depression:
Stress:
Oh, Kelly....I have been , there , too. Thank you for sharing, it is so scary to go through, alone. It is only by sharing with each other that we feel less alone. Good job fo making the way a little brighter.
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