We are a well oiled machine....not just in the concession stand, but in life in general. We are a good team. We serve, teach and work together. We often send the same text at the same time and it's not uncommon for us to finish each other's sentences. We are so used to teaching as a couple, that when I teach without him by my side, I feel like something is missing. He really is my best friend. The cheesy Jerry Maguire line, "You Complete Me", works for us. That's how we feel.
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| One of my favorite Mary Engelbreit pictures, we have it in a frame. |
We got to this point, because we focused on the other person as much, if not more, than we focused on ourselves. We checked in with each other before scheduling things, buying things, going places....we touched base throughout the day. I saved a few minutes to look in the mirror and freshen up before he came home, and when he did, I tried to meet him at the door. We laughed at dinner and couldn't wait to go to the movies or do something fun together. I cared if he might be thirsty working in the yard or hungry for a snack. We always went back to bed together. We always put toothpaste on the other's toothbrush. We always kissed before we said goodnight.
Lately, I've let selfishness creep into my heart. I do what I want, then I tell him. I go where I want, then I tell him. I grab a snack and don't see if he wants one, too. I have caught myself getting into the habit of going to the bedroom, watching DVR'd stuff and just falling asleep for the night....while he is still in the other part of the house.
I am catching myself starting to get selfish and this blog is meant to wake me. Let this be a wake up call to you, too.
Some of you reading this are not married, some have been, but are not anymore. But, for those of you that are married....get over yourself and remember that marriage is
1 + 1= 1 not 1 + 1= 2
Don't get selfish. Marriage is a team sport. It works when you work together. The two become one. Once you start trying to go solo, if you are not careful, you will look up and be far, far away.
I do not want that to happen to us, or to you!
One of our all time favorite studies on marriage is Tommy Nelson's video series on Song of Solomon and it's companion book, The Book of Romance. We went through this study when we dated and have facilitated it with many groups through the years. Tommy Nelson married us in Norman in 1993 and we actually had the great privilege of having a few pre-marital counseling meetings with him.
I always remembered something that he said in one of the lessons, but when I was a younger wife, I did not get it. From his book:
I asked my wife, Teresa, one time what happens when women get older. I said, "Men get rigid and robotic. We start operating by rote. What is it that women become?"
She replied, "We get fussy. We have no tolerance for things not being done our way."
We reflected upon these statements for a while and came to two conclusions: (1) these traits do not necessarily need to develop and (2) these traits develop because people become self-centered and self-focused. They increasingly want what they want, to the exclusion of others.Webster's dictionary defines fussy as fastidious about one's needs or requirements; hard to please
In May, we celebrate our 20th anniversary. I have become fussy. I am sweet about it, but I am fussy. Some of the little things that I used to do, I don't do anymore.
While we were working in the Sweet Shop, we actually had a little argument about what a customer said. I thought he said "do you have any diet cokes" and Tim heard "do you have any diet candy". Keep in mind, I was facing the loud popcorn machine and Tim was looking at the man's face. I seriously bantered back and forth, trying to prove that he wanted diet coke. Are you kidding me? What does it matter, anyway?
Sometimes, instead of supporting him and helping him, I try to show that I know more.
Sometimes, when he comes home for the day, he has to come find me.
The other day, I realized that it was almost dinner time, and I hadn't touched base with him all day....
Last night, I rolled over and went to sleep and didn't even say goodnight.
In order for marriage to work, you have to get outside of yourself and care as much or even more about your spouse than you do yourself. It doesn't matter if you get your way or win every argument. I am not the boss of him. I am his helpmeet and supporter. I am created and given to him to encourage him and provide a safe haven. In Song of Solomon language, we both should be like apple trees, providing shade and comfort. Of all the people on earth, he should want to be with me the most, and vice versa. Of the places in the world, home should be the best of all.
Do you find yourself in a marriage of two? If you are a man, have gotten rigid and robotic? If you are a women, are you selfish and fussy?
Robert and Elizabeth Browing, the Victorian Era poets, had a famous love. It was Elizabeth that wrote:
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, --- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
The best is yet to be,
The last of life, for which the first was made:
Our times are in His hand
Who saith "A whole I planned,
Youth shows but half; trust God: see all, nor be afraid!''
Marriage isn't the early years, when you are still in the honeymoon stage and everything about everything is perfect. Marriage is about the entirety of a life together. Life gets messy and sometimes hurts. Marriage is two people with individual goals, passions and preferences that have learned how to work as one.
Tim and I are a well oiled machine, because from the beginning, we looked to God for our standard and our instructions. We love God more than we love each other. And, though it sounds strange, we love each other more than we love our children-at least it's a different kind of love. Our relationship with our children is not the same. We have been given them as a gift, and they are our great blessings. But, we are not in a covenantal relationship with them like we are with each other. One day, they will be gone and they will enter into the covenant of marriage. As much as I love my daughters, if I do not love my husband more, I am not modeling the right relationship for them. If the most important relationship in all of my life is not my husband, then I will not have the marriage that I want- or marriage as God designed it to be. Once we start taking our eyes off of that, we will begin to slip.
You don't get to "the last of life, for which the first was made" by being rigid and fussy. You get there by being kind, soft, and attentive. You get there by putting the needs of your spouse above your own.
You get there by:
Not only looking at your interests, but the interests of others (Phil 2:4).
Loving and respecting each other (Eph. 5).
Honoring the structure of the family (Eph. 5)
Having a having the beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit (1 Peter 3)
Not allowing Satan to enter and tempt because you deny and neglect each other sexually (1 Cor. 7)
Serving each other as if serving the Lord (Eph. 6, Col. 3)
Denying yourself and walking in the Spirit (Gal. 5)
Look at yourself....are you fussy? Get over yourself and love your mate. Love God with all your heart and all your soul and all your might. I'm pretty sure if loving God was my focus, my fussy would fade away.....
Carl & Ellie: The Married Life- Video Clip from Disney's/Pixar Up
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