"Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms.
If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.1 Peter 4:10
Most of you probably have no clue who this is. If you saw his name, maybe only some of you would know his story.
This is Eric Liddell. Part of Eric's life is the subject of the 1981 movie, Chariots of Fire. He had an amazing life of faith, conviction and endurance. He felt God's pleasure because he was obedient and he embraced how He was created and used it to bring Glory to God.
Eric was born in China to Scottish missionaries. He was a faithful Christian and a gifted athlete. When he qualified to run in the 1924 Olympics, he found out his best races, the 100 and two relays, were scheduled on a Sunday. His conviction to only rest and worship on the Lord's Day led him to withdraw from those events. He was forced to switch to the 400 and began to prepare for that race instead. Since this wasn't his normal event, many did not expect him to win. He was up against two runners that held previous records and he was assigned to the last lane.
Before he took to the track, an American competitor handed him a note with this scripture:
"Those who honor me I will honor" 1 Samuel 2:30
Fully abandoned and running to give it all to God, he won the Olympic gold medal that day, breaking both the Olympic and world records.
Eric later told the press his secret for success in the 400:
"The secret of my success over the 400 meters is that I run the first 200 meters as fast as I can. Then, for the second 200 meters, with God's help, I run faster."
Later his wife was quoted as saying:
‘Eric always said that the great thing for him was that when he stood by his principles and refused to run in the 100 metres, he found that the 400 metres was really his race. He said he would never have known that otherwise. He would never have dreamed of trying the 400 at the Olympics.’
He returned to Scotland a hero. But, his story does not end there.
Liddell followed God's lead, returned to China and served there the rest of his life. He married a fellow missionary and had a family. Japan's WWII invasion and hostility towards Christians, made life for his young family very unsafe. He sent them to his wife's parents in Canada when she was pregnant with their third child....they never returned. Soon after, he was interned by the Japanese, and spent the last two years of his life in prison camp, dying there of a brain tumor in 1948, at the young age of 43. It was reported by fellow missionaries that his last words were,:
"It's complete surrender."
In 2008, the Chinese government released information that Liddell refused early release from this prison camp and, in a prisoner exchange, had them release a pregnant woman instead. Until the end, he lived a life in complete surrender to God and His will above all else.
The life of Eric Liddell encourages us to do several things:
1. Know God. Study Him by studying His word. Don't just go on what others are teaching you, get into the word for yourself and let the Holy Spirit mold you as you read His words.
2. Know yourself. Who did God create you to be? Look at how you are wired. What are your special talents and gifts? What brings you the most pleasure deep inside your soul? Is there something that others have recognized in you that is a special way that God uses you to bless them?
3. Obey God. Listen to His word and to His Spirit as He guides and directs your path.
4. Trust God. Commitment and obedience will sometimes fly in the face of the world and of those around you. Don't let them scare you....just do it!
5. Serve God. Don't be afraid to go! Do what he is leading you to do, even if it is not what is popular or what others understand. If it is in line with the Word of God and it is where God is pulling your heart, then go! Step out and do it. Find others that are going in the same direction and get with them!
Whatever you do, don't just live your life in a boring, dead trap. Let God infuse life into you and live your life in abundance. Do big things for Him and do not be afraid. For me, there are certain things that really rev me up. I can feel God moving and working through me. Find what that is for you and do it. Maybe that's where He will use you to scatter the most seeds.
What are you going to do this year for the Kingdom of God? What will be your legacy?
It might not bring you fame or recognition. In fact, if it weren't for the fact that Eric Liddell was an Olympic runner, it's possible none of us would know his name or his story. There are people serving all over your church, town and this world, whose names we will never know. But they choose to obey and are great heroes of faith, conviction and endurance. What they do brings God glory and draws people to Him. When they do this, they feel God's pleasure.
Step out in faith and run where God is telling you to run. There you will also feel God's pleasure....
Woo....an Old English word for actively pursuing, seeking to gain or bring about....I like that word.
That it is what God does for us.
God woos us into His presence.
We know God's grace initially calls and leads us to repentance and faith. That calling grace forever reestablishes the broken fellowship created by sin. We were enemies of God and He came to us, bought us and brought us back to Him through the perfect sacrifice of His Son. We know it is by grace we have been saved.
If the purpose of grace is ultimately to bring us back into right relationship with God, then God's daily grace keeps us in fellowship with Him. We work and try to be good to earn His favor. In reality, Christians, already have His favor, not because we are good, but because He is good and full of grace. Then, we feel if we haven't been good enough, we have lost favor with God. Apart from Christ, nothing you do can earn it or lose it....that's why it is grace.
Nothing we do can separate us from Christ's love; there is no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus. That is contrary to human nature--we feel separated and condemned and pull away from the fellowship that used to bring us such peace.
In fact, God's grace and fellowship are always there. We cover it and refuse it, because of our own sinful minds and attitudes.
Think how easy it is to praise God when all is right with our little world and there is nothing to hide. We yearn to learn and grow. We eat up sermons and scripture and blare worship music. We get out of ourselves and look up to God. We welcome fellowship.
When trials come, sometimes it's hard to praise. It's hard to approach the Throne of Grace and harder still to stay there. Our selfish nature causes us to turn inward and retreat. We stare at our troubles and horde sad thoughts, choosing to collect them instead of tossing them at the throne of the One who can actually take them from us.
Sometimes, we turn inward, because our own sin has left us ashamed and feeling unworthy. Sometimes, we turn inward, because we are angry that God permitted hurt to come into our lives. We focus on betrayal, pain, death, lies and memories of vile sin from our past instead of giving them to God.
If we listen carefully and are sensitive and obedient, we can hear the still quiet voice of God wooing our hearts and pulling us back to him. He will do it over and over. We can choose to harden our hearts and stick our fingers in our ears yelling, "I don't want to", like a stubborn child. Or, we can chose to trust the wooing and see it as God's grace calling us to enter into His sweet fellowship again.
No matter if you are happy and whole, or bitter and demolished, the safest place to be is in fellowship with God.
One of my favorite books is the 1948 classic, The Pursuit of God, by AW Tozer. In my favorite chapter, Removing the Veil, Tozer reminds us the temple veil was torn in two and as believers in Jesus Christ, we have full access to God. The veil no longer restricts our access, God is always available. Tozer then questions why it often feels as though the thick, heavy veil is back and God is far away and unreachable. He says:
"The whole work of God in redemption is to undo the tragic effects of that foul revolt (Adam's sin), and to bring us back into right and eternal relationship with Himself....God wills that we should push on into His presence and live our whole life there. This is to be known to us in conscious experience. It is more than a doctrine to be held; it is a life to be enjoyed every moment of every day"
The work is complete. Christ suffered and died to conquer death and allow us full access to the very Throne of God! Think about the weight of that idea. Christ did it, "It is Finished". God does not hinder us from Himself.
Tozer says:
With the veil removed by the rending of Jesus' flesh, with nothing on God's side to prevent us from entering, why do we tarry? Why do we consent to abide all our days just outside the Holy of Holies and never enter at all to look upon God? We hear the Bridegroom....we sense that the call is for us, but, still we fail to draw near, and the years pass and we grow old and tired in the outer courts of the tabernacle.
Listen to what he is saying. As Christians, we hear God calling....wooing us....and we just sit there, content to live outside His presence. Content to stay on the fringe and content to stay out of the fullness of fellowship with Him. That's like purchasing a new home and having a family and then spending every day on the porch, never to enter that warm, loving place. We would never choose to do that....but, we do it daily with God.
By letting your sins, failures and pain keep you on the fringe of God's presence, you are missing out on the restoration, healing, comfort and wisdom that you can find there. Tozer says that we weave a new veil over our hearts and block the fellowship. We do it. He says:
It's not too mysterious, this opaque veil, nor is it hard to identify. We have but to look into our own hearts and we shall see it there, sewn and patched and repaired it may be, but there nevertheless, an enemy to our lives and an effective block to our spiritual progress. ...to be specific, the self-sins are self-righteousness, self-pity, self-confidence, self-sufficiency, self-admiration, self-love and a host of others like them.
Self is the opaque veil that hides the face of God from us....
We must invite the cross to do it's deadly work within us. We must bring our self-sins to the cross for judgment. We must prepare ourselves for an ordeal of suffering in some measure like that that through which our Savior passed when He suffered under Pontius Pilate."
If we do not feel His presence, He is not the one that left. Our sinful flesh is content to keep trusting itself. We love to look at our messes and focus on our pain. We cannot get rid of this on our own. Just as the temple curtain was torn by God, the veils we sew ourselves must also be torn by God.
Even if you do not feel like it, go to Him. Tell him you don't feel like coming. Be honest. Tell Him you are bored, you think you are doing fine on your own, you are mad at Him or someone else, you are ashamed of what you have done....Whatever it is that is keeping you from full fellowship with Him. Then ask Him to shatter it and cast it away.
Take your stuff to His Throne and actually give it to Him. Don't keep clenching it and staring at it.....let it go and look at Him. What good does it do you to approach the Throne of Grace and just keep looking at your self and your messed up stuff?
His grace wooed you at first, and it is wooing you now. Do not turn a hard heart. Approach the Throne with confidence, because He cares for you. Get up and go in....He has already made the way for you and He is already there waiting.
There is no place on earth where you would rather be, than in full fellowship with God. He longs for you to be there with Him! If you find yourself separated from God, YOU are the only reason you aren't there....
From my experience, the birthing of a godly adult is a lot harder than the birthing of an infant.
Women jump at the chance to talk about events surrounding the delivery of their children- how it started, how long it took and how painful it was...we usually don't leave out any of the details. In fact, we wear it as a badge of honor. To a degree, some even feel weak if they require medicine and don't it "naturally". (I'm kinda thinking that no matter how the tiny human is ejected out of the body, it's all about as natural as it gets!)
Lately, I've been considering that the hours of labor and recovery were actually the easiest part of motherhood. Every phase from that day on has been hard and trying.....rewarding and wonderful....but hard and trying. And, to make it worse, we are not as eager to share our "labor pains" anymore, so we feel defeated and alone.
There are challenges and frustrations, no matter what stage of life we are in with children.
The endless breastfeeding and waking and cleaning and uncertainty that comes with newborns is exhausting. There were times that I felt like if one other person needed to touch my body or consume my resources, I was going to either scream or pass out. (The thought of cuddling with a baby fresh little swaddled one in a rocker sounds so good right now...they grow so fast.)
The baby proofing and shadowing and attentiveness that comes with toddlers is exhausting. As much as we wanted them to walk, that meant that unless they were in the Exersaucer or playpen, they could go wherever they wanted. For years, dinner meant mindlessly stuffing food in our mouths with one hand and juggling kids with the other. When we moved houses, last year, there were still Crayola marks on our bedroom doorframe. (I wish that I could have torn out the molding and brought it with us.....as tiring as it is, somedays, I would give anything to have a little one that I had to scold for eating the markers again...they grow so fast.)
The teaching and training and loving that comes with early childhood is exhausting. Balancing discipline with love. Acting like we don't see things, because we are too tired to have to deal with it. Making it through the store without a fit. Trying not to nag, but knowing that certain lessons were too important to pass. Teaching manners, how to hold a bat, how to fold a towel, how to wash a dish. (I would love to be back at bedtime with my little one that would hug my neck so tight and for so long that I would actually get frustrated because she wouldn't let go.....it's not so cool for her to hug me anymore)
The busy activity of elementary school is exhausting. Helping with math, packing lunches, carpooling and helping with homeroom mom stuff. Trying to know the friends and friend's families and guiding media choices, allowance, and chores. (As hard as it was to wake up at 7 on a Saturday and be on the freezing cold soccer field, I wouldn't mind having to go buy Capri-Sun and Granola Bars for snacks and be a part of post game "tunnel" again.)
As they get older, something switches. They get jobs, cars, families, new friends, new goals. They don't need the daily business from you any more. They need you....don't get me wrong. But your activity becomes more stealth-like. You still hover, but its a covert hovering. It becomes not about what they will eat or how they will get to dance class, but more about what choices are they making, are they safe, are they faithful. The exhaustion changes from physical to mental. You don't often have to wake up in the middle of the night, worry about taking a shower or sitting on the potty alone, or carry little people and bags and accessories. You can go lie down on the couch and take a power nap in the middle of the day, even if everyone is home. As they get even older, you can (*gasp*) get in your car and drive to Starbucks or Target, just because you want to and you can. You really aren't tired anymore, but you are worn out.
That's because, everyone tells you how hard it is to give birth and raise children, but, no one really tells you how hard it will be to raise adults.
I know moms with teens that are embarrassed by what their kid did last Friday night, what they sent to a girl in a text, what they were caught doing at school. I know moms that are praying for their adult child who is in jail and moms that are now grandmas because their 15 year old had a baby. I know moms that have children in their 40's with a family of their own, and they are still praying for their salvation. I know moms whose adult children have had to move in with them, because they just got out of rehab. Life gets hard and the stakes get higher. It can be humiliating, frustrating, humbling, and maddening. Our children are an extension of us, they carry our name, and if they are Christians, they carry the name of Christ.
As much sheer joy and pride as they can give us, sometimes, they give us pain.
Many times, I look at myself and I still act like a 16 year old girl. I make stupid choices and I don't act like I want to act. You do, too.
Let's give our kids a break. Let's give ourselves a break. Let's give other mothers a break.
Sometimes, Christian moms eat each other up. We look at families that are struggling and we wonder what is really going on inside their homes. If we are honest, we think, "If they were really raising their kids in the Lord, they wouldn't be struggling like that"..."Certainly a child from a godly home wouldn't make choices like that"... "if they were what they said they were, this stuff wouldn't be happening."
I have done that to women before. I haven't said it out loud, but I have thought it.
What if, instead of blackballing a family, or a mom, or a child, we actually started encouraging them and praying for them. What if we let them know that they are not alone. What if we looked them in the eye and said that we didn't blame them for their child's knucklehead actions. What if we allowed them to be truthful about the pain associated with parenting, without making them feel like they were inadequate parents. What if we modeled Christ's grace and mercy?
Christian mommas, march on! Keep praying. Keep trusting God and going to Him for your strength. Keep walking in the Spirit in your home and in your interactions with your children. Share the Word and talk about God's faithfulness. Encourage other mothers. Love your kids through it.
We have been promised:
Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart....The salvation of the righteous is from the LORD; he is their stronghold in the time of trouble. The LORD helps them and delivers them; he delivers them from the wicked and saves them, because they take refuge in him. Psalm 37:4, 39-40
and....
...so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth, it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it. Isaiah 55:11
and....
And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9
and....
Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep. Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them. He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate. Psalm 127
These children that we are raising are a blessing from God. They are given to us to by God to be our reward. Ultimately, they are their own little selves and will make their own choices, good and bad. We are not held accountable for what they do, but we are held accountable for how we raise them.
Keep raising them in the Word of God and loving them. Keep trusting God and giving them to Him daily. No matter what we do to keep them safe, they are safest when we give them to Him. Let Him move their hearts and let Him fill them with wisdom.
March on, mommas! Keep on keeping on. Don't grow weary. Trust God. Submit to Him and allow Him to parent through you.
.....And in the meantime, let's don't eat each other up! If you see a weary mom, come along side of her and help lift her up. The ultimate goal is for God to get the glory through all things. Let's help each other get there!
Some of my favorite praise times have been through tears. Broken times bring tears....broken times bring healing.
Today a friend posted a quote from Mother Teresa:
"If I belong to Jesus, He must have the right to use me without consulting me."
I want everything to go as I have planned it. Perfect house, perfect children, perfect obedience, perfect marriage, perfect ministry, perfect job, perfect health, perfect heart......
Some days I think, "If only...."
The problem is that my desire for perfection would not allow God to work through the tests and trials. This imperfect life is just what God uses to perfect my faith....
Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4
Through painful experiences, I have learned new ways to rely on God and trust God. Through losing, I have gained. Through pain, I have been comforted. Through shame, I have been lifted up. Through lonely, I have felt God's embrace.
I remember Beth Moore saying in one of her Bible studies, years ago, that she had gotten to the point where she was thankful for the things that God had allowed in her life, because it was through those trials that she was able to learn new ways to understand and trust God.
I think of my friend whose husband died, the other friend who's husband left her, and the teen who lost her mom. They get Psalm 68:5-6
"A Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation. God makes a home for the lonely..."
When we see wicked prosper in business and we work with integrity.....we rest in Psalm 37:7-11
"rest in the LORD and wait patiently for Him; Do not fret because of the man who carries out wicked schemes. Cease from anger and forsake wrath; Do not fret; it leads only to evil doing. For evil doers will be cut off, but those who wait for the LORD, they will inherit the land. Yet a little while and the wicked man will be no more; And you will look carefully for his place and he will not be there. But the humble will inherit the land and will delight themselves in abundant prosperity."
When I mourn a sin or broken choice, I hear myself and my loved one in David's prayers in Psalm 51...
"Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your lovingkindness; According to the greatness of Your compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin...Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Make me hear joy and gladness, let the bones which you have broken rejoice. Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast sprit within me...The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."
Even now, as I am writing this, the school just called with the recorded message that all schools are currently in lock down because of an armed prison escapee. I turn on the news and see the school that our daughter is in now, I get a text from her asking to come home. I choose to rest in God's sovereignty, and know that he is in charge. I chose to believe Psalm 91:1-4, 11
"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the LORD, "My refuge and my fortress, My God, in whom I trust!" For it is He who delivers you from the snare of the trapper and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with His pinions, and under His wings you may seek refuge; His faithfulness is a shield and bulwark....For He will give His angels charge concerning you, to guard you in all your ways."
Our storms are all different. Some are the result of illness, death, personal moral failure and even from the consequences of the sin's of others. Some storms are temporary and others seem to beat us down for years. It doesn't matter what it is, how bad it is, or how far away you feel from God. God is the same yesterday, today and forever. His love covers even that. His grace and mercy even reach that far. Just turn and trust. Be still, and know that He is God. Praise Him in the storm and let him teach you His lovingkindness and goodness in the middle of your storm.
Today, I choose to trust God. I choose to still, praise God...
The bumps are what you climb on. - Warren Wiersbe
Let God have your life; He can do more with it than you can. D.L. Moody
*This post is my personal story with depression. It is not intended to endorse any specific treatment or to encourage someone to determine that they are also depressed. If my story strikes a chord with you, I would encourage you to visit with your health professional and take the steps toward healing. It may require pastoral counseling, professional counseling or medication. This might be one of the most important personal stories that I tell.
This is my story...I am not ashamed of it... I hope it helps you.
All of my life, I have been a people pleaser and an overachiever. If there was something I wanted to do, I did it. If there was something that needed to be done, I did it....whether I wanted to or not. "Yes" and "I can do it" seemed to jump out of my mouth before I had even had a chance for my brain to consider what I was agreeing to do. In the words of the great philosopher, Vanilla Ice, "If there was a problem, YO, I'll solve it"....(strange to quote that, but there's a bunch of stuff like that floating around in my head at all times:)
I seem to thrive on high speed....Go, Go, Go. I have always been able to function on high speed and I was often praised for it. Praised for all the stuff that I could do and get done. Tim laughs because when my head hits the pillow at night, he can hear my breathing patterns change, indicating I am asleep, before even one minute has passed. I go hard, and then I crash hard. Looking back at my life, I think I have always been like that. I was never really one to idle or just hang out. It was always hard for me to sit still, unless I could sit still and be busy doing something at the same time.
I guess I thought that I was immune to the warnings. Immune to the fact that the human body can only go so long on high gear, adrenaline rush, before it makes you stop. My body made me stop a couple of years ago.
When I look at my late 20's and 30's, there was a lot going on there. We had our three daughters close together. When the oldest was 3 1/2, the youngest was born. When they were little, I wrote and led Bible studies, had a little cake decorating business and a craft business from my home, I was the women's ministry leader at our church, Sunday school teacher, class homeroom mom at school, and I always volunteered in a lot of different places. I was the mom that did all of the cutesy stuff...I kind of thank God that Pinterest was not around at that time, because I'm thinking that would not have been good for me!
When they all were old enough for school, I started teaching junior high and high school. I got to the school at 7:30 and usually did not leave until 4:30-5. Somewhere in there, I started going to seminary- which meant that basically, I commuted from Norman to Dallas to get my Masters degree. The first semester, I drove down on Mondays and Wednesdays for classes. Dallas is three hours away. After the first semester, I could arrange it where I only had to be on campus one day a week, but sometimes I would have weekend classes or multiple week classes during summer or winter break. All the while I was still teaching, leading ministry, raising daughters, being a wife, a friend, a Sunday school teacher......Also, in this mix, Tim left his job and started a new business from scratch and I tried to help with that as much as possible.
At some point when I was around 36....my body started resisting my behavior. It started with a racing heart rate and symptoms that mimicked a heart attack. I had pain down my arm and along my jaw line, I felt cold rushes, nauseated and faint. It got so bad, that one day, I asked Tim to take me to the emergency room. They ran all of the tests and told me everything was fine, probably just stress related. After this, I continued everything that I was doing before, and as days went on , I started to become less and less like myself.
I started having weird feelings in my legs and my skin and I was shaky. I would usually go to sleep just fine, but would wake up a lot in the night. Sometimes, I would get up and do laundry and stuff around the house for hours in the middle of the night.
I was the same to everyone around me, but I noticed a difference. Publically, I still had a smile, but I was dark behind the smile. I didn't really enjoy people as much as I once had. I sometimes felt trapped inside myself and at the worst, wondered why I was here. I was often confused and had trouble organizing my thoughts. Sometimes, I was scared to be driving, because I felt like I was going to wreck. I lost my edge and sharpness. One day, I was at a store several miles north of my town, and I wondered what would happen if I just got back on the highway and kept driving north and just ran away from everything....
That was not me!! The thought of leaving everything behind and escaping, those were not thoughts that come from "sweet Kelly". What was wrong with me? A good mom doesn't think those thoughts.....I don't think those thoughts.
I retreated more and more to my room, without really letting anyone know where I was. Sometimes, on Saturdays, I would sleep most of the day. I had migraines. I felt numb....I felt empty.....I felt like I was in a dark fuzz and nothing was ever going to be as it had been before. Things that used to bring me happiness, no longer did. I couldn't do anything to get out of the funk. I'm a treat kind of girl....and treats didn't even make me happy, anymore. It wasn't that I was crying all of the time, it was more like I didn't feel anything anymore.
I love to read the Bible and have time with God. I kept doing this, but I didn't want to, and it didn't bring me the enjoyment it once did. I love my kids and spending time with family.....that did not bring the same joy anymore. Where was I.....where did I go? I was somewhere, lost behind the dark fuzz and nothing could remove it.
I am not sure that anyone, but my family, ever noticed what was going on. I did gradually start to bow out of activities. I stopped volunteering and helping out. I actually didn't care anymore, so it wasn't that big a deal. I gradually stopped being one of those moms.
Finally, in the deepest moments, I didn't really even want to be here anymore. I never considered suicide, but like I said before, I did think about just getting in the car and going far away. I thought that even if the whole family just moved to another city, everything would be better. People wouldn't expect so much from me, because they wouldn't know me.
I finally said that I needed help. I had resisted it for so long, because I thought it was a weakness to say I was operating everyday in depression. If I told the church or Christian friends, they would think that I had a besetting sin and that this was probably a spiritual issue. If I was really godly enough, that dark fuzz would not be there.
Tim was so kind and gentle with me. He loved me through this time, and I am so grateful for that.
One day, I heard a pastor, that I respect immensely, on Focus on the Family radio. Tommy Nelson, the pastor of Denton Bible Church, officiated our wedding in 1993. His teaching on the Song of Solomon is one of the best marriage resources that we have ever studied. He is a godly man and one of the best Bible teachers of our generation. I trust him. He was telling his story of how he had battled depression. He was honest about it. He described the science of Type-A, driven people operating on all cylinders for a prolonged period. I literally stopped in my tracks to listen to the broadcast that day. I went online and listened to it again. I had Tim listen to it. It resonated with me. His words were my story. Knowing that this had happened to him, gave me permission to admit that it was happening to me. It is what God used to start me on the road to healing. I thank God, for Tom Nelson, even to this day. (Around this time, he spoke to the chapel at Dallas Seminary. The full lecture is posted at the end of this blog).
Being a science teacher and understanding fundamentally what he was saying, everything clicked that day. The science of stress made sense to me. To totally simplify it, there are two adrenals glands, one on top of each of the kidneys, that makes adrenaline for the body to survive a stressful situation. God, in His great wisdom and creativity, designed it so that if you are walking somewhere and there is a threatening situation, you can run from it faster that you ever have run before. Or, it's like those stories where humans have picked up a car to lift it off of someone. I heard a story once of a mountain climber, who had a boulder fall on him. He had such a rush of adrenaline, that a large percentage of his muscles were able to be used and he pushed the giant rock off. Because the body doesn't normally use that many muscle fibers at once, he actually ripped muscle from the bone. This was purely a result of having such an adrenaline surge, that his body became supernaturally strong. Adrenaline is the good stuff that keeps you going and protects you from stress. Along with adrenaline, the adrenal gland is also producing low levels of another hormone, called cortisol. Cortisol helps the body utilize sugars that are needed for energy.
Adrenaline and cortisol are both imperative to healthy bodies. But, if you stay at high levels of "turned on, full speed" for long enough, the body continues to release adrenaline and greater levels of cortisol. Over time, this can lead to weight gain, heart disease and other health risks, including depression.
So....adrenaline and cortisol are good if a tiger is chasing you and you've gotta get your wheels on! But bad, if you have been so freaked out, stressed out, worn out, that your body thinks it has been running from tiger for a year, or more, but really it has just gotten so stressed out that it never stops. Sometimes, the body is in continual stress because of a life event like divorce or death, sometimes it is because of financial burden or daily emotional turmoil, sometimes its just because you are trying to be all things to all people all the time. That was the case for me.
As the body lives in this prolonged state of stress, it begins to affect the balance of neurotransmitters in the nervous system. The main neurotransmitter related to this adrenaline cortisone cycle is serotonin. Anti-depressants like Prozac, Lexapro, Celexa, Zoloft, are SSRI's- Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors. They actually block the reabsorption of serotonin, so that levels of serotonin can increase and help brain cells send and receive chemical messages again. Increased levels of serotonin lead to a feeling of well being and decreased levels are associated with some forms of depression.
All of this made sense to me. So when I visited my doctor and he suggested that we try Lexapro....I did not hesitate. I did not see it as a failure or a weakness. I saw it as a necessary chemical to help my body get back into the chemical balance it had before I crashed.
The Lexapro couldn't be all that I did, though. I had to make major life changes. I had to stop stuff. In a sense, I withdrew from most outside activity. Seminary was winding down. I stepped down from leading the Women's Ministry. I spent more time at home and was okay with just sitting still.
I was told that it would take a while to feel the effects of the anti-depressant, if it was going to work at all. To this day, I remember when I first could tell that it was working. It was about six weeks after I took the first pill. Tim and I were in Wal-Mart walking down the main aisle by the checkout stands, heading north. I have a very vivid recollection of this moment. I stopped and told Tim that I felt like the veil had been lifted. The dark fuzz seemed to be gone. In a strange way, I felt light inside, and i felt the joy that had been missing. It was a marked change.
I took this medicine for two years, then gradually weaned off of it. That was about four years ago. I have not needed it since.
I have not needed it because I am a different person, now. I say no to stuff. I choose not to do everything that I could possibly do. I physically step aside sometimes and let someone else rush to do the people pleasing. When I see people like I was, it kind of annoys me. I have no guilt or shame by saying no. I know that I am capable and I know that I could do it, but I do not have to do it to prove my worth.
I try to agree to do things that are conducive to my family time and that will not wear me out or stress me out. I try to take jobs that I can stay home and do at my convenience. I know that sounds selfish, but for me, it is vital that I protect myself and pay attention to the stressors in my life. Its okay to run on all cylinders for a short cycle to help groups out, but I refuse to run on all cylinders all the time anymore.
I am now totally cool with saying no to something and just staying home for the night and watching TV.
If you are reading this and you are maxed out in the stressor department, please take this as a warning. Do not let your body get to the point where it forces you to stop. You will crash if you keep going. And the funk is not fun.
If you feel like you have that dark fuzz and are in a place where you do not recognize yourself anymore, please go and talk to someone. Please do not let it take a toll on your family. Seize this moment to do something about it. You may look like a Superwoman or a Superman, but I promise you are not. Take the cues from your body and make a change today.
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Recommended resources
Tommy Nelsons testimony of his battle with depression at the DTS chapel, 2007- (31:51)
Book
Tommy Nelson and Steve Leavitt
Walking on Water When You Feel Like You're Drowning: Finding Hope in Life's Darkest Moments
